My Dear John Letter to Facebook

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Dear facebook, this letter was a long time coming. You see, we have been drifting apart for a while, but your most recent antics really put the nail in the coffin of our relationship.

I remember the early days of our romance, when we would hang out, look at funny photos and talk about our weekend. We would fight over political differences, but you were always there afterwards with a great quote that summed up my feelings perfectly.

But you have changed.

I noticed it first when we would sit down for breakfast. I would try to start our conversation and then realize that you no longer liked the same things I did. I would try to discuss an important event with a friend, but you would broadcast that conversation to others, and instigate arguments. What’s up with that? Thank goodness I still have a few friends left after all that extra drama.

That takes me to the gifts. I really liked that cat sweater you gave me a few years ago at christmas, but it seems like now all I get are christmas sweaters for every special occasion. The thrill is gone, the unexpected gifts and treats have been replaced with a steady stream of cat sweaters. I know you did that because you thought more of what I love means more to love, but it doesn’t; it just means a lot of cat sweaters and very little spontaneity.

But the thing that made me decide to end it was the love letters. You know, those old letters you started sliding into my morning paper. My personal opinion is that what’s over is over, and if I want to go back and read those notes, I will. But guess what. I don’t.

Consider this note the end of our love affair. I will no longer be available for your booty call notifications ringing incessantly through the night. I will no longer spend hours with you, gazing at sunsets and fun family photos. Because, alas, those photos have been replaced with photos of my cat sweaters. This isn’t goodbye forever, though. If you ever get yourself straightened out and become less obsessive/stalkery, we can totally still be friends.

Just not friends with benefits.

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